A Little Ray of Sunshine

Thursday, January 19, 2006


My mother just came back from a very rough trip. Her parents, my only living grandparents, are in very bad health, especially my grandmother, who seems to have Alzheimers. This has been very hard on everyone--except me. I just don't care. About Grandmother, that is. (I feel pity for some of the relatives who are dealing with her.) This does not say good things about me, I am afraid. I am not a nice person, I know. I don't think I ever have been.
I think Grandmother is reaping exactly what she has sown. Over the years, she has manipulated everyone as much as she could to get what she wants. Now she has lost much of her self-control, and Mother tells me that vitriol spews out. It seems to me that what is showing now is what has always been inside. Mother thinks it is almost like possession, and I suppose it helps her to think that this monster which has appeared is not her mother. Grandmother is a staunch athiest, religiously athiest, and she has no hope, as well as years of nasty behavior stored up in her head.
You see, I am the unfavored grandchild, the daughter of the family black sheep. Grandmother didn't try to manipulate me as much as she did everyone else. All I got were broken promises. It takes some concious effort not to be bitter about that. I do bitter very well, I'm quite good at bitter. I'm good at holding a grudge. I'll remember a slight forever. I'm not proud of this.
Yet, I still write her letters. Even though she doesn't remember getting them and rails that none of her grandchildren write, I do. I really don't know why. Perhaps because I feel I am better than she, and this provides proof?
I've decided that if one practices ugly behavior and thoughts, eventually it will show. Mother is afraid that she will go the same way, and I tell her that she has hope of life after death, while Grandmother has none, so that will make a difference. I don't know if this is true, but Mother says Great-Grandmother was gracious and kind all her life, and I do know that she was Christian.
I need to work on what I hold in my head and my heart, lest I end the same way as my grandmother.


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